Ask a Socialist Boss · The Column · Vol. IX

Advice for the
principled
exploiter.

Woke managers write in with their thorniest ethical dilemmas. Our Editors reply with the warmth of a comrade and the margins of a landlord. All correspondence is confidential and unpaid.

Dear Socialist Boss · the personal is profitable · your struggle, my portfolio · gratitude accepted in lieu of wages · no such thing as a bad boss, only unenlightened workers · Dear Socialist Boss · the personal is profitable · your struggle, my portfolio · gratitude accepted in lieu of wages · no such thing as a bad boss, only unenlightened workers ·
This Week's Mailbag

Dilemmas of the
enlightened owner.

Every fortnight, our panel of unpaid interns and fully-paid founders answers the questions that keep the conscientious capitalist awake at night — usually because he is at a wellness retreat.

On the Wage QuestionFile No. 01
Q.

My employees are complaining that they can't afford rent on their current salaries. How do I gently explain that inflation is a construct of late-stage capitalism and that true happiness comes from inner peace?

A.

Have you tried hosting a mandatory, unpaid "Gratitude Circle" on Sunday evening? Remind them that money is inherently oppressive, and by paying them less, you are actually keeping them pure. If they persist, offer to "hold space" for their financial anxiety — space is famously free, unlike the rent you charge for the desks.

— The Editors
On the Union QuestionFile No. 02
Q.

Yesterday a worker used the word "unionize" in the break room. I nodded supportively because I believe in collective power. Then I felt an unfamiliar cold sensation in my chest. What is happening to me, and how do I make it stop?

A.

That sensation is solidarity, and it is best treated by immediate structural reorganization. Explain that a union is a hierarchy, and that hierarchies harm the collective. Your workplace is already a union — of one — and it is called leadership. Then, purely as a wellness initiative, dissolve the break room. Rest is a relic of the extractive economy.

— Socialist Boss
On the PTO QuestionFile No. 03
Q.

An employee requested two weeks of paid time off to attend her sister's wedding. We have an "unlimited PTO" policy, which I introduced because I read that it's very progressive. How do I honor my values here?

A.

You already have — "unlimited" is the most generous number, precisely because it is not a number, and therefore cannot be counted, tracked, or claimed. Approve the request enthusiastically, then gently note that rest is a privilege we extend to the fully aligned. Ask, with genuine curiosity, whether attending a wedding truly serves the mission. She will withdraw the request herself. This is called empowerment.

— The Editors
On Surplus ValueFile No. 04
Q.

One of my developers has been working sixty-hour weeks for months and has asked, very politely, to be paid for his overtime. I want to reward loyalty without, you know, actually paying for it. Any thoughts?

A.

Wages for overtime would reduce his labor to a transaction — and we do not commodify our comrades. Instead, reframe those extra hours as a gift he chose to give the collective, and honor that gift with something money cannot buy: a laminated "Comrade of the Quarter" certificate and a shout-out in the all-hands. Cash is fleeting. Recognition is forever, and crucially, deductible against nothing.

— Socialist Boss
On the Ownership QuestionFile No. 05
Q.

My staff have started asking why our "worker-owned collective" appears to have exactly one shareholder — me — who also happens to have just purchased a third home. The optics feel off. How do I realign the narrative?

A.

The third home is not a home; it is a community asset that you are selflessly holding in trust (in your name, at your address, with your locks). As for the single shareholder: true collectivism requires a steward, and stewardship is a burden you have nobly agreed to bear alone. Announce a "Path to Ownership" program. Do not build the path. The journey toward ownership is, spiritually, the destination.

— The Editors
On the Intern QuestionFile No. 06
Q.

Our summer intern has asked to be paid. She has been running our entire social media, redesigning the website, and fetching my oat-milk cortado for eleven weeks. I told her the exposure was the compensation, but she seems unmoved. Where did I go wrong?

A.

You went wrong nowhere — you simply under-sold the exposure. A wage can be spent in a weekend; exposure compounds forever, like a mutual fund made of vibes. Remind her that money would tether her to the very system we are dismantling, whereas a heartfelt LinkedIn endorsement is seized directly from the means of my personal network. If she remains unmoved, thank her for her service and post the role again as "unpaid, but deeply meaningful."

— Socialist Boss
Your Turn, Comrade

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dilemma.

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